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Sunday, March 30, 2008

The Giants Are All Out, All Season

Forget March Madness! My picks sucked anyways. There's no hope for me. It's baseball time. The Red Sox already beat the A's in the earliest season opener ever in Japan. It's time for my two cents on my favorite team. Let's talk about my beloved San Francisco Giants.

That is the new San Francisco Giants slogan for the upcoming 2008 baseball season. "ALL OUT ALL SEASON." Personally I believe that this slogan is purrrrrrfect. Why? Because they're going to suck so bad that they're going to get all outs, all season long. Their PR guy must be the smartest psychic in the world or the dumbest person in the world.

Before the season started, we knew the Giants were going to suck balls, great big GIANT baseballs. And guess what? With Spring Training almost over, no surprises. Dead last in the majors with a 8-20-2 record. How are we going to last a full 162 game schedule? Can we just forfeit our season? We knew we were going young, but plans have definitely changed.

Kevin Frandsen, whom we thought was going to be the young and fun up-and-coming star of the future Giants taking over as the everyday second baseman/shortstop, will probably miss the rest of the season after injuring his Archilles tendon running from 1st to 3rd base in a game. If Brad Pitt couldn't take an arrow in his heel, nobody can.

Ok, that's only 1 player. How about Dan Ortmeier, the big and strong switch-hitting first baseman who has been honing his defensive skills with legendary Giant J.T. Snow? Well, it seems like he's sucking so much "due to the pressure of learning a position and switch-hitting" that he might not even get to start there. That job may go back to our fan-favorite Rich Aurilia, who specializes in no-look behind the back helmet passes to the grass.

Fine. Maybe we have to wait another year for our young stars. Our veterans can play and be role models for one final year. This can be our post-Barry Bonds transition years to finish off the rest of our old players. Players like Omar Vizquel and Ray Durham will be able to lead the younger guys and play with class, right? WRONG!

Omar Vizquel: INJURED. Ray Durham: INJURED.

GODDAMN!! We still got Aaron Rowand in center though, right? We paid him a good $60 million for 5 years to keep running down balls and break his nose a couple more times for no reason, since the Giants are going nowhere.

In your dreams, Giants fans. Although he's not injured as bad, he's listed as day-to-day. Still, an injury is an injury.

Aaron Rowand: INJURED.

Giants fans, I'm sorry. The season is over. I'm not bagging on the Giants, because I'm an avid Giants fan myself, but I'm throwing in the towel. I really hope a miracle will happen, believe me, but I highly doubt it. I don't mind another year if they can actually get somewhere.

San Francisco Giants: All Out All Season. Goodbye.

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